Drowning in the Riptide of Depression


e39940c5cbae2a448dd25b10451e0400

JournalingIBD wrote a status update on Facebook the other day. She was expressing her raw emotions about how she has been feeling recently. After receiving such positive feedback, Marisa wrote another post where she explained that she often struggles with whether or not she should share such posts on social media and/or her blog, when what she has to say isn’t uplifting. I had felt like she had taken the words right out of my mouth. This is the exact reason why I rarely blog, because I am miserable all of the time and people get tired of a “Debbie Downer” real quick! Coming from a career (a career that no longer exists) in mental health, I just felt like I needed to give hope and end each blog with some form of positivity; contribute something constructive, because I don’t get to do that now that I am no longer working. This is a constant internal struggle for me, since the whole reason I started this blog in the first place, was to use it as a coping strategy; a place that I could express all of my anger, pain, and frustration.

When I first found the online, IBD community in the summer of 2012, it was the first time I felt like I was a part of something. There were people who understood how much life, with this disease, really sucked. The first IBD blogger that I was really drawn to was Christina from livingsick.com. She also contributes to the JournalingIBD Facebook page. She spoke so honestly and bluntly about life with chronic illness. Her writing was raw and real and she was unapologetic about speaking her truth. I envied her conviction to really speak about what it is really like living with a chronic illness. I didn’t have her gumption or her bravery. I was always worried and continue to worry that if I really blog about my truth, that I will end up hurting someone with my words, not on purpose, but just by me speaking my truth; raw and uncensored. My father always said that one should not air out his/her dirty laundry for all to see, but I am suffocating. I need to find real support. I wish I had friends with IBD, but if you aren’t a major advocate in this IBD community, it’s unlikely you will find such friends. {The most views I receive on my blog, is for a page the lists other IBD blogs. I’m starting to thing that I should get paid  something for sending so many people to their sites! 😉 I would at least appreciate those blogs to like my Facebook Blog Page, when I am constantly sharing their messages.}

To sum this post up, let me speak this one truth: I WANT TO DIE! I want this to be over. I am tired of existing and not living. I am tired of being in pain, being ignored, receiving poor medical treatment and I am tired of doing all of this alone. I am also tired of feeling like a burden. I’m tired of the emotional abuse that I endure every single day. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of having to be the responsible one in my family. I am tired of being the person everyone comes to for help or favors, when they have never done anything to help me out or have even asked that insincere statement, that I think most of us hate: “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help?” I hate that I am expected to take the high road and give kindness to those people; people who have made my life more difficult than it already is. Finally, I am tired of being dependent on people who treat me like I have no worth. I want the door of my cage to fly wide open! I NEED OUT!

d2e36eb69a0f43337f14a8d70a8d47ff

Since February, I have tried to end my life so many times. But the lack of absorption in my digestive track has made every attempt unsuccessful. Crohn’s has yet again, gotten in my way. Dying doesn’t scare me, but existing and suffering like this for another hour, let alone an entire life time, feels unbearable.

I’m hanging by a thread!

d51945b9b60819dde15cc97f95be0a4a

 

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Drowning in the Riptide of Depression

  1. I love you Lauren. I pray every day for your pain to get better and that you’ll continue to find the strength to keep fighting.

    Like

  2. Lauren, please email me…lets get together…soon…I’m so sorry you are in such raw pain…email me some dates and a good place where I could take you for lunch…my email is: trudyk1@comcast.net…I’ll be looking forward in getting your email….Hugs and love, Trudy

    Like

  3. I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve been keeping my email of this post as new for the past week, things have just been a little crazy. I’m sorry that I just read this post just now. I’m heartbroken from reading all of this. It kills me that you’re in such physical and emotional pain, if I could taken even just an ounce of it away for you, I would do it in a heartbeat. I hope you know how much I love you and that I’m praying for you. I really really really hope you have the opportunity for us to get together soon, I know we could both use the laughs! Whether you realize or admit it, you are one of the strongest people I know Lauren, please keep fighting for those of us who love you so much. xoxoxo

    (sorry if you got this twice, I didn’t think my first attempt went through??)

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s